This month I am working with several teams who are showing the same beautiful and dysfunctional characteristics. 

When they get together socially, they are on their absolute best behavior.  They are great friends, have fun together, and enjoy each other’s company. 

When they are working on their projects, they are committed, enthusiastic, and focused. 

When conflict arises, they become a calculated, anxious, and devious bunch of strangers.

This reminds me of the contrast between people that fall in love, and those same lovebirds several years later.

INFATUATION:

Do you remember your first crush?  You were very clear on your commitments and your relationship. 

Even though you were blissfully enthralled in the pangs of infatuation, your commitments and your relationship with your new found love were completely in synch.  If I were to ask you what you were committed to, you would say…

COMMITMENT:

I will be with the new love of my life at all times.  When I am not with the new love of my life, I will think about how I can be with the new love of my life at all times. 

Your commitment was to do anything and everything to be with that new person.

RELATIONSHIP:

You were cordial, silly, enchanted, complimenting, devoted, and caring. 

Were I to ask you what relationship you “chose,” you would say “infatuated school boy, or school girl.”

SYNCHRONICITY:

When you were infatuated, your commitment and your actions in the relationship were completely in synch.  In order to be with the object of your affection, your actions were synchronized with your desire to live out your commitment to be together always.

CONFRONTATION:

Now, let’s compare infatuation to the state of affairs I witness with my beautifully dysfunctional teams. On one of the teams, someone spoke about somebody else behind their back.  What they said wasn’t necessarily 100% the truth. 

Let’s check out the commitments they stated to me and the resulting relationship that ensued.

COMMITMENT:

I will focus on my goals at all times.  I will plan, prepare, prioritize, and pursue.

RELATIONSHIP:

When a person says something behind my back, I will hide, discredit, ignore, talk behind their backs, and generally avoid. 

SYNCHRONICITY:

Whoa!  As a coach, I get to witness very mature, very serious, very dedicated team members do very stupid things.

What is the cause of the mismatch?  And what might be the solution?

In the case of the first crush – the young lover “CHOSE” an appropriate relationship, the relationship of infatuated school kid. 

You might say, the lover didn’t “choose” anything.  Infatuation dripped through his veins, so he instinctively did whatever he could to be with his new found fling.

Interesting??

In the case of Conflict – the team member chose a relationship of dishonesty, deception and corruption. 

Now you are jumping out of your seat.  You say the team members didn’t choose dishonesty and corruption.  When someone stabs me behind my back, there is no relationship “choice.”  I need to get even.  I need to win.  I need to save my skin!

Really?

Need to get even?   What relationship choice might that be?

Need to win?  And what relationship choice might you call that?

Save your skin?  That sounds like the relationship choice called – Survive at all costs.

The secret to succeeding in a confrontation is two-fold:

(1)  Get very clear on your commitment. 

(2)  Create the appropriate relationship that will help you achieve your commitment.

Will dishonesty help you get there?  I think not.

Will survival help you get there?  Wrong again.

Choose something more interesting.  Choose something not so “predictable.”  Choose a relationship that will provoke you and your “partner” to move closer to your commitment, rather than further away.

Choose:

This person wants me to win.

This person is really on my side.

This person has my best interests at stake.

This person wants me to have a breakthrough.

This person is testing my inner core.

From here, how might your conversations go?  What might be your new results?

Infatuation or confrontation?  They both provide ways to live a life that is extraordinary. 

On this Valentines day, get creative.  Look at every obstacle as a way to create a new relationship to achieve the goals you love.  Imagine new, creative relationships that will lead towards extraordinary results, not away from them. 

Most of all, on this Valentines Day, celebrate with the people who choose to spend their lives with you, whether at home or in the office.   Celebrate those people that provide you with both opportunities for infatuation and with opportunities that provoke you to be the type of a leader that makes you so “lovable.” 

Have a great Valentines day!